A Woman Submerged
So, for me, this very beautiful wall art (created by Sean Yoro and preserved somewhere in a bay East of Canada) sums up my real time experience of adoption.
Not waving but drowning. Not drowning but waving.
Ahead then below. Below then ahead. Submerged then free – ecstatically free – then back.
And in which I surrender in and out of thought, in and out of the pain my addiction to thought, causes.
Familiar none the less. Familiar pain. Self limiting belief. What’s wrong with me? A woman submerged.
And then the tide lowers and I rise.
Life has not abandonned me nor I life and and the search to find the elusive meaning of life – of this life – unfolds daily – like the woman on the wall.
Every waking moment is given up in my longing to connect and all my life I had understood this to be a longing to re-unite with the mother who abandonned me at six weeks old. Only its an illusion, see? A trap – it is not an earthly connection that would restore me in grace. And no matter how hard this journey is and has been, my position is also shifting in that I become grateful for her courage to have given me up and in allowing me the freedom in grace to find my own way home.
And that empowers me to keep going. Adoptee, what empowers you?